Being the Protagonist of Your Own Birth Story
There is an incredible power that comes with owning an experience. I’ve worked with quite a number of clients who really step into the birth experience and become the birther they told me they wanted to be. After their experience, I asked them what secret source they were able to tap into or where they went when things got tough and all of them shared the same answer -- they just decided to show up. They decided to decide to handle things and completely own their experience. They stepped so firmly in their own shoes and into their own person and focused strictly on what they were able to do in that moment to get through it. That really got me thinking and I don’t know if I understood it at first but I’ve done quite a bit of reading on it, reflecting and asking them more questions to try and convey this concept and share this idea with other families I work with.
The question absolutely is not “Do I have the strength to do this?” or “Am I strong enough to handle this?” but, “Am I willing to do what labour demands, despite the inconvenience, the lack of certainty, the considerable time that the process requires the discomfort, the fear?”
Just like a protagonist, the story is already laid out for them. What will happen, will happen. But if we can accept the parts of our story as if we chose it, the situation immediately becomes easier to handle and the solutions tend to arise more quickly and feel really good. No, of course no one really wants to have their waters release with no contractions and face a potential induction, but it’s possible to focus on showing up and seeing it as, “This is what I chose to have happen and just like I chose that, I’m now going to choose to _______ and ________.” Taking back that power that could have been given away because a situation was labelled as something that ‘went wrong’ is incredibly empowering and can be used as real fuel.
This whole ‘be a protagonist of your own story’ is much more than being positive or looking on the bright side because when someone is so in the zone and so present in the moment, there’s no time or energy wasted on even thinking about whether this is a positive or negative thing; it just is. In times of real emergencies, the heroes never re-tell the story as, “Well, this thing happened and it really sucked so I decided to think positively and work to find a solution to overcome it.” No. Absolutely not. In times of emergencies the heroes say, “I don’t even know what really happened. I saw what was going on and I just acted. I didn’t even have time to think, I just knew what I had to do and I did it.” And that’s the protagonist that I’m talking about. That’s the mindset and focus and presence that can absolutely change the entire birth experience, and that’s the key when it comes to digging deep and managing whatever happens. We all know contractions suck so take all of that mental space and energy and time to think to not acknowledge and share and repeat that it sucks and focus on zoning in on the comfort measures that work, finding new ones if old ones aren’t working anymore, and remembering with laser sharp focus why this is so important to you.
One main component of this ‘being your own protagonist’ theory is that help is not coming. You are the hero of this story, and YOU are the only one who is going to be able to save you. Yes, births go sideways and surprises come up, but I’m talking more about coping and handling whatever situation comes up. You might not have authority or influence over the outcome but you absolutely do have authority and influence over your presence and effect on the process. Being your own protagonist means focusing on responsibility versus blame; acutely tuned into and focused on what we can do and are doing rather than what other people are doing, or not doing, or should be doing. Fault is backward-looking and responsibility is forward-looking, fault is victimhood and responsibility is heroism, and in birth, the only way through is bravely forward.
There is an incredible power that comes with owning an experience. I’ve worked with quite a number of clients who really step into the birth experience and become the birther they told me they wanted to be. After their experience, I asked them what secret source they were able to tap into or where they went when things got tough and all of them shared the same answer -- they just decided to show up. They decided to decide to handle things and completely own their experience. They stepped so firmly in their own shoes and into their own person and focused strictly on what they were able to do in that moment to get through it. That really got me thinking and I don’t know if I understood it at first but I’ve done quite a bit of reading on it, reflecting and asking them more questions to try and convey this concept and share this idea with other families I work with.
The question absolutely is not “Do I have the strength to do this?” or “Am I strong enough to handle this?” but, “Am I willing to do what labour demands, despite the inconvenience, the lack of certainty, the considerable time that the process requires the discomfort, the fear?”
Just like a protagonist, the story is already laid out for them. What will happen, will happen. But if we can accept the parts of our story as if we chose it, the situation immediately becomes easier to handle and the solutions tend to arise more quickly and feel really good. No, of course no one really wants to have their waters release with no contractions and face a potential induction, but it’s possible to focus on showing up and seeing it as, “This is what I chose to have happen and just like I chose that, I’m now going to choose to _______ and ________.” Taking back that power that could have been given away because a situation was labelled as something that ‘went wrong’ is incredibly empowering and can be used as real fuel.
This whole ‘be a protagonist of your own story’ is much more than being positive or looking on the bright side because when someone is so in the zone and so present in the moment, there’s no time or energy wasted on even thinking about whether this is a positive or negative thing; it just is. In times of real emergencies, the heroes never re-tell the story as, “Well, this thing happened and it really sucked so I decided to think positively and work to find a solution to overcome it.” No. Absolutely not. In times of emergencies the heroes say, “I don’t even know what really happened. I saw what was going on and I just acted. I didn’t even have time to think, I just knew what I had to do and I did it.” And that’s the protagonist that I’m talking about. That’s the mindset and focus and presence that can absolutely change the entire birth experience, and that’s the key when it comes to digging deep and managing whatever happens. We all know contractions suck so take all of that mental space and energy and time to think to not acknowledge and share and repeat that it sucks and focus on zoning in on the comfort measures that work, finding new ones if old ones aren’t working anymore, and remembering with laser sharp focus why this is so important to you.
One main component of this ‘being your own protagonist’ theory is that help is not coming. You are the hero of this story, and YOU are the only one who is going to be able to save you. Yes, births go sideways and surprises come up, but I’m talking more about coping and handling whatever situation comes up. You might not have authority or influence over the outcome but you absolutely do have authority and influence over your presence and effect on the process. Being your own protagonist means focusing on responsibility versus blame; acutely tuned into and focused on what we can do and are doing rather than what other people are doing, or not doing, or should be doing. Fault is backward-looking and responsibility is forward-looking, fault is victimhood and responsibility is heroism, and in birth, the only way through is bravely forward.