My Thoughts on Managing Family Members When in Labour
If you don’t think that this video applies to you, it probably doesn’t, so please feel free to skip over this. Some families have great communication, some of you may not have siblings or parents or maybe family is really far away so there’s no need to manage visits or expectations. However, if you’re looking for some guidance or advice, then watch the video and take what you think would work and put aside the rest.
In the doula world and in some books about labour you might hear the expression, ‘the tiger in the room’. This expression comes from a story about a woman, many many years ago, who was giving birth in the wild. She was alone, and the contractions had slowly begun so she knew she had to begin to prepare. It was late afternoon so she prepared some food for the evening and went to bed early because she knew that she’d having a long day tomorrow and that the baby would be born by the following daybreak. When she awoke, she diligently spent the day preparing food, a place to birth, a warm place to snuggle with baby after, more time resting. The place she found was covered, small, hidden and felt right. She could feel the contractions slowly getting stronger and knew that nightfall would bring the real labour. As the sun set, contractions started rolling in. She laboured for hours in the depths of the night, surrounded by the sounds of owls and crickets while the light of the moon gently illuminated the earth around her. She was familiar with these sounds and these sights, and the contractions grew and grew and she knew that she could do this. Then, she heard a twig snap. Her ears perked up, and heard another snap. Immediately the contraction she was moving through became painful and she became very afraid. With this fear and noticing this pain, her contractions slowed down and became increasingly more and more painful. Labour had stalled and become unproductive, all because she thought that maybe there was a tiger in the room.
Often, our family members are our tigers. And often they’re not even in the room but they can still deeply affect our labour.
My thoughts on managing family members is the following: close your eyes. Yes, right now. Close your eyes. Imagine yourself in the birthing space, so maybe at the hospital or at home, and imagine birthing. Imagine the way you’ll be moving, the way you’ll be breathing, the sounds you’ll be making. As you continue to imagine, build in your partner or birth partner if you have one. Build them in as they rub your back, move the hair out of your face, offer you sips of water. Now build me into the story as I suggest a new labouring position, guide your breathing, offer you snacks. Build in a nurse, or a midwife, charting at the computer, one eye on you and one eye on the monitor. And now include the family member you’ve been considering including. Imagine them reacting to your sounds, your movements, when the monitor starts beeping or the doctor comes in to check your cervix. Do they fit? Are they helpful? Are they nervous? Do you feel like you’re able to focus, stay grounded, stay present if they’re there? And for those who know they don’t want their family there but know their family might be outside in the waiting room, how do you feel labouring in that space, think back to the movements, the sensations, knowing that they’re waiting outside? Knowing that they’ve been outside for two hours, four hours, ten hours, eighteen hours? Imagine yourself post-birth, having people to come visit you before you’ve slept, before you’ve showered, as you breastfeed?
Okay, so open your eyes and come back to the room. There are no right or wrong feelings and this activity is absolutely not to discourage you to include family in your birth plan. In fact, some people get really clear that they do want their mom there when things get scary and they want to know their grandma is outside with their favourite soup and will bring it in as they get to meet their great-granddaughter. They want their cousins and brothers to meet their niece or nephew as soon as possible and are okay with having visitors as soon as possible. Just like it’s okay to not want that.
Tension isn’t helpful during labour or in the first 24 hours after baby is born. There’s already enough tension and fear and worry about the process itself, about how it’s going to feel, what’s going to happen so I strongly urge you to at least plan for the elements you can control, which include family and friends. They might not hear you, they might not respect your wishes, but you at least have to give them the opportunity to. Tell them it makes you anxious knowing that they’re outside in the waiting room and you’d rather know they’re home and warm and safe and comfortable, and you’ll let them know as soon as you can. And if you’d like some space post birth then let them know that if they’re outside in the waiting room that you probably won’t invite them in to the birth space and probably not until you’re settled in the postpartum which is normally three to four hours after the baby has been born.
These are hard conversations to have and unfortunately I see, more often than not, that family members have a hard time really hearing these things and not taking it personally.
If you don’t feel like you’re being heard then I’d suggest really considering how you’ll update family on your cell phone. I’ve been at lots of births where birthers anxiously look over at their cell phone, without even opening it, wondering what messages they’re receiving and what might be there when they finally look. Sometimes it’s the birther looking up at their partner after a contraction to see them texting with a furrowed bra, and I can see the thoughts running through their head. “Did my parents say anything?” The birther asks. “Yeah, they said ___________” and the birther is hit with another contraction they now weren’t prepared for. And if their parents said anything that bothers them then that’s a whole other story because another weight has been added mentally and emotionally while they’re already under an incredible amount of mental and emotional and physical stress. Delegate your partner to texting when they’re on a walk or in the bathroom or not at all.
In my dream world, the birth space includes everyone the birther wants there and no one they don’t. In this dream world, phones are on silent and the couple is relaxed because they know their families are eagerly awaiting a “Baby is born!” text and nothing more. And it is possible, absolutely, but you have to put yourself and your wants and your desires first.
If you don’t think that this video applies to you, it probably doesn’t, so please feel free to skip over this. Some families have great communication, some of you may not have siblings or parents or maybe family is really far away so there’s no need to manage visits or expectations. However, if you’re looking for some guidance or advice, then watch the video and take what you think would work and put aside the rest.
In the doula world and in some books about labour you might hear the expression, ‘the tiger in the room’. This expression comes from a story about a woman, many many years ago, who was giving birth in the wild. She was alone, and the contractions had slowly begun so she knew she had to begin to prepare. It was late afternoon so she prepared some food for the evening and went to bed early because she knew that she’d having a long day tomorrow and that the baby would be born by the following daybreak. When she awoke, she diligently spent the day preparing food, a place to birth, a warm place to snuggle with baby after, more time resting. The place she found was covered, small, hidden and felt right. She could feel the contractions slowly getting stronger and knew that nightfall would bring the real labour. As the sun set, contractions started rolling in. She laboured for hours in the depths of the night, surrounded by the sounds of owls and crickets while the light of the moon gently illuminated the earth around her. She was familiar with these sounds and these sights, and the contractions grew and grew and she knew that she could do this. Then, she heard a twig snap. Her ears perked up, and heard another snap. Immediately the contraction she was moving through became painful and she became very afraid. With this fear and noticing this pain, her contractions slowed down and became increasingly more and more painful. Labour had stalled and become unproductive, all because she thought that maybe there was a tiger in the room.
Often, our family members are our tigers. And often they’re not even in the room but they can still deeply affect our labour.
My thoughts on managing family members is the following: close your eyes. Yes, right now. Close your eyes. Imagine yourself in the birthing space, so maybe at the hospital or at home, and imagine birthing. Imagine the way you’ll be moving, the way you’ll be breathing, the sounds you’ll be making. As you continue to imagine, build in your partner or birth partner if you have one. Build them in as they rub your back, move the hair out of your face, offer you sips of water. Now build me into the story as I suggest a new labouring position, guide your breathing, offer you snacks. Build in a nurse, or a midwife, charting at the computer, one eye on you and one eye on the monitor. And now include the family member you’ve been considering including. Imagine them reacting to your sounds, your movements, when the monitor starts beeping or the doctor comes in to check your cervix. Do they fit? Are they helpful? Are they nervous? Do you feel like you’re able to focus, stay grounded, stay present if they’re there? And for those who know they don’t want their family there but know their family might be outside in the waiting room, how do you feel labouring in that space, think back to the movements, the sensations, knowing that they’re waiting outside? Knowing that they’ve been outside for two hours, four hours, ten hours, eighteen hours? Imagine yourself post-birth, having people to come visit you before you’ve slept, before you’ve showered, as you breastfeed?
Okay, so open your eyes and come back to the room. There are no right or wrong feelings and this activity is absolutely not to discourage you to include family in your birth plan. In fact, some people get really clear that they do want their mom there when things get scary and they want to know their grandma is outside with their favourite soup and will bring it in as they get to meet their great-granddaughter. They want their cousins and brothers to meet their niece or nephew as soon as possible and are okay with having visitors as soon as possible. Just like it’s okay to not want that.
Tension isn’t helpful during labour or in the first 24 hours after baby is born. There’s already enough tension and fear and worry about the process itself, about how it’s going to feel, what’s going to happen so I strongly urge you to at least plan for the elements you can control, which include family and friends. They might not hear you, they might not respect your wishes, but you at least have to give them the opportunity to. Tell them it makes you anxious knowing that they’re outside in the waiting room and you’d rather know they’re home and warm and safe and comfortable, and you’ll let them know as soon as you can. And if you’d like some space post birth then let them know that if they’re outside in the waiting room that you probably won’t invite them in to the birth space and probably not until you’re settled in the postpartum which is normally three to four hours after the baby has been born.
These are hard conversations to have and unfortunately I see, more often than not, that family members have a hard time really hearing these things and not taking it personally.
If you don’t feel like you’re being heard then I’d suggest really considering how you’ll update family on your cell phone. I’ve been at lots of births where birthers anxiously look over at their cell phone, without even opening it, wondering what messages they’re receiving and what might be there when they finally look. Sometimes it’s the birther looking up at their partner after a contraction to see them texting with a furrowed bra, and I can see the thoughts running through their head. “Did my parents say anything?” The birther asks. “Yeah, they said ___________” and the birther is hit with another contraction they now weren’t prepared for. And if their parents said anything that bothers them then that’s a whole other story because another weight has been added mentally and emotionally while they’re already under an incredible amount of mental and emotional and physical stress. Delegate your partner to texting when they’re on a walk or in the bathroom or not at all.
In my dream world, the birth space includes everyone the birther wants there and no one they don’t. In this dream world, phones are on silent and the couple is relaxed because they know their families are eagerly awaiting a “Baby is born!” text and nothing more. And it is possible, absolutely, but you have to put yourself and your wants and your desires first.