Reframing Language Around Baby + Their Behaviour
This is one of those videos that you probably weren’t expecting to see on here, nor have you maybe given this much thought, but I do think it’s important to begin to reframe language and beliefs around baby and their behaviour, way before they even arrive.
The biggest reframe for me, is going to be around the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’ both in relation to baby and their behaviour, and also the quality of their experience.
For example, I hear this from parents who work with me after baby’s already here. “She’s a very good baby, except when it comes to evening.” And I ask, “Well, what makes her a ‘good’ baby the rest of the time?” and they usually respond, “Oh, well, she doesn’t cry a lot, she feeds well and she goes down easily for her naps.” To which I respond, “Okay, so it’s not that she’s bad, but she’s easier to manage during the day and a little more vocal in the evenings.” And then they kind of look at me, often unsure, but eventually nod their head and agree.
A baby is not “good” because they listen to our commands and do what we want; they’re not a dog, they’re a human. Am I a “bad” person because I became a doula rather than a lawyer, like my parents wanted? The answer is quite subjective, but on the whole we can often agree that doing something, or not doing something, that someone wants us to do, doesn’t inherently or automatically make us good or bad -- it makes us us.
So back to language for a moment, let’s talk about the opposite. “Oh, my baby’s been so bad lately, just refuses to sleep through the night without a feed.” To which I respond, “Oh… so is your baby bad? Or are they hungry?” Blank stare. “Well, they barely eat and I don’t think they’re actually need to be waking up. They’re doing it unnecessarily.” I nod, “Okay, so your baby wakes up, feels unsure about whether or not you’re there, so they call to you because they love you and want to make sure they’re safe.” Hm. Ask you can see, another reframe.
And this all might sound harsh and mean, but I promise in the moment it’s very natural and playful, but it is absolutely important to me that families begin to reframe their newborn and their newborn’s behaviour, and not for my sake or my comfort, because everyone manages easier and has better expectations and is generally happier when we reframe things to how they truly are.
“Oh, that was a bad feed.” Instantly, parents feel shame or guilty or stressed or dreading the next feed. “What made it ‘bad’?” I ask. “Oh well, baby just kept latching on and off, fussing, didn’t seem to be happy. It was hard.” I smile. “Oh, so it was a hard feed. Sounds like it was a bit unfocused and not as streamlined as usual.” Right there in that moment, I’ve described something more objective or quantitative, rather than qualitative, and given parents new words to describe the feeds that make it less personal, less general and less insurmountable feeling. If I have three bad feeds a day, that doesn’t sound or feel great. But if we had a distracted feed, a tired feed and a long feed, then it becomes less of a commentary on our abilities and more about the general situation of what was going on at the time.
This may sound like a small thing, but it is HUGE, and it is especially huge when partners are able to change their language around things too. Birthers are often the primary caregivers who are often the bodyfeeders, and that means they are very wrapped up in the entire experience, literally 24 hours a day, and baby’s “success” feels like it’s totally wrapped up in them and their success as parents -- but that simply isn’t true. And changing our language can help us make that shift.
Down below I have some common examples of languaging I hear, and suggestion for other words to describe. I also think this is important because when we have the proper language to describe something, we can help the appropriate help. For example, a ‘bad’ feed means your lactation consultant might assume it’s latch or supply, but if we can share that baby is really distracted and slow to suck and generally uninterested -- well then they have a much better idea of what is happening and therefore much more likely to help you to the absolute best of their abilities.
So take a peek at the document below, and now you’ll know what I’m trying to do when I reframe things.
Chat soon!
This is one of those videos that you probably weren’t expecting to see on here, nor have you maybe given this much thought, but I do think it’s important to begin to reframe language and beliefs around baby and their behaviour, way before they even arrive.
The biggest reframe for me, is going to be around the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’ both in relation to baby and their behaviour, and also the quality of their experience.
For example, I hear this from parents who work with me after baby’s already here. “She’s a very good baby, except when it comes to evening.” And I ask, “Well, what makes her a ‘good’ baby the rest of the time?” and they usually respond, “Oh, well, she doesn’t cry a lot, she feeds well and she goes down easily for her naps.” To which I respond, “Okay, so it’s not that she’s bad, but she’s easier to manage during the day and a little more vocal in the evenings.” And then they kind of look at me, often unsure, but eventually nod their head and agree.
A baby is not “good” because they listen to our commands and do what we want; they’re not a dog, they’re a human. Am I a “bad” person because I became a doula rather than a lawyer, like my parents wanted? The answer is quite subjective, but on the whole we can often agree that doing something, or not doing something, that someone wants us to do, doesn’t inherently or automatically make us good or bad -- it makes us us.
So back to language for a moment, let’s talk about the opposite. “Oh, my baby’s been so bad lately, just refuses to sleep through the night without a feed.” To which I respond, “Oh… so is your baby bad? Or are they hungry?” Blank stare. “Well, they barely eat and I don’t think they’re actually need to be waking up. They’re doing it unnecessarily.” I nod, “Okay, so your baby wakes up, feels unsure about whether or not you’re there, so they call to you because they love you and want to make sure they’re safe.” Hm. Ask you can see, another reframe.
And this all might sound harsh and mean, but I promise in the moment it’s very natural and playful, but it is absolutely important to me that families begin to reframe their newborn and their newborn’s behaviour, and not for my sake or my comfort, because everyone manages easier and has better expectations and is generally happier when we reframe things to how they truly are.
“Oh, that was a bad feed.” Instantly, parents feel shame or guilty or stressed or dreading the next feed. “What made it ‘bad’?” I ask. “Oh well, baby just kept latching on and off, fussing, didn’t seem to be happy. It was hard.” I smile. “Oh, so it was a hard feed. Sounds like it was a bit unfocused and not as streamlined as usual.” Right there in that moment, I’ve described something more objective or quantitative, rather than qualitative, and given parents new words to describe the feeds that make it less personal, less general and less insurmountable feeling. If I have three bad feeds a day, that doesn’t sound or feel great. But if we had a distracted feed, a tired feed and a long feed, then it becomes less of a commentary on our abilities and more about the general situation of what was going on at the time.
This may sound like a small thing, but it is HUGE, and it is especially huge when partners are able to change their language around things too. Birthers are often the primary caregivers who are often the bodyfeeders, and that means they are very wrapped up in the entire experience, literally 24 hours a day, and baby’s “success” feels like it’s totally wrapped up in them and their success as parents -- but that simply isn’t true. And changing our language can help us make that shift.
Down below I have some common examples of languaging I hear, and suggestion for other words to describe. I also think this is important because when we have the proper language to describe something, we can help the appropriate help. For example, a ‘bad’ feed means your lactation consultant might assume it’s latch or supply, but if we can share that baby is really distracted and slow to suck and generally uninterested -- well then they have a much better idea of what is happening and therefore much more likely to help you to the absolute best of their abilities.
So take a peek at the document below, and now you’ll know what I’m trying to do when I reframe things.
Chat soon!